Posted in College

“Failed” Overly Ambitious Goals for Break

When it comes to goal setting, I tend to be overly ambitious. My winter break is wrapping up and I’m struck with the realization that I did not do as much as I told myself I would. I wanted to be all done with my grad school applications by the time the new semester started and yet I’ve hardly touched them. I proclaimed to my peers and advisors that I would do extensive work on my senior thesis, and yet my page count has not grown. I tried. I really did.

I think I just underestimated how much of a break I really needed. Rather than working everyday on those productive activities I had planned; I slept, binged on netflix, and played video games. I should probably feel guilty, but I think I needed to just do nothing. I’m so productive during the semester and rarely allow myself to just have endless amounts of fun, so I’d say I’ll be okay. I just need to kick it into gear right away in the beginning of the semester in order to wrap up my applications and get back into my thesis writing. I didn’t fail my goals, as much as realize that my goals weren’t what I needed. Now to just convince the anxiety portion of my brain that it’s all going to be okay…

Posted in College, Life

Finals are Coming

I have one more week of classes before my second-to-last finals week of undergrad is upon me, and let me tell you, my motivation is running low. (Which may or may not be why I am writing a post instead of working on my paper, but I have been meaning to blog more, so…) I just haven’t been able to get much work done the last few days. There’s so much to do, I have some time, and yet, I’m struggling. Maybe it’s senioritis, maybe it’s a case of the winter blues (well, fall I guess, until later this month, but there’s snow, so it’s winter to me), or maybe I’m just burnt out, but I have been failing to get my work done lately. And now it’s crunch time. Not only do I have a long list of papers to write and tests to study for, but my first grad school application is due during finals week. Isn’t that cruel? And it’s for one of my top-pick schools.

So please–wish me luck and motivation to get through these next two weeks before break.

Posted in Life

Grieving and Planning

I am so disappointed in my country. A man who is not only completely unqualified to serve as president but uses hateful and dangerous rhetoric has been voted into office. Trump built his campaign by pandering to the worst of this nation. He tapped into racism, bigotry, and misogyny; he paved his path to the White House with fear-mongering; he lied at every turn. And much of our nation bought into it.

I know that not every person who voted for trump is a racist, misogynistic bigot. Most in fact were not. But they still did not take a stand against this behavior, which is just as bad in my opinion. Trump himself does not scare me as much as the people who actually believe in the rhetoric he used. They just had their worldview validated.

Unfortunately for the world, it only causes a few people to cause terror but many to create lasting good. I’ve seen it already on my campus. The morning after the results came in, racist graffiti was found on a dorm room door.  When students gathered for a peaceful Love Still Trumps Hate rally in order to share in their pain, a few Trump supporters stood by observing our tears with amusement. Others yelled at us as they walked by. I have read reports online of women being grabbed by the pussy by men in donning Trump regalia asking them if they’re scared yet.

Yes, I am scared. But as a cis-gendered, straight-passing, white, middle-class, college-educated woman born into a Christian, family I am afforded many privileges that others are not. So while I cried as the results rolled in, cried when I woke up the next morning, and cried many times on Wednesday, I have come to realize that my time for grieving has passed. Now I must work.

I must work to use my privilege to protect the rights of my peers that have been jeopardized not only by the election of Trump, but by the now red house and senate which will make anything this man tries to do much more simple than a blue house or senate would have. I must listen, and I must check in with my friends that are visibly different than than the America Trump’s supporters envision to see how they are doing, and I must do what I can to ensure their safety.

While I am still planning the best form of action for me personally to take, I have recognized that I must not sit by passively. I must fight for those too weary to do so. I must protect the love that I have seen shared in the wake of these results. I will continue to advocate for the causes and candidates I care about. I will not let these results make me feel powerless. They will not dim my determination for a better world.

Posted in College, Mental Health

Less is More

I have been an absolute piece of shit when it comes to actually blogging this last year-and-a-half, but I really want to get back into it because I just like sorting out my thoughts via writing. Thankfully, due to some decisions I made at the end of last semester, I think I’ll actually have the time to write again. With that brief aside said and done with, I want to talk about the decisions I made and the effects of them.

The last two years have been rough for me. My sophomore year of college I was dealing with a lot of mental health concerns. Last year, I had started weekly counseling and began the process of learning to live with my depression and anxiety. Even though I had taken that big step in starting to take care of myself, there were other things in my life that were just so overwhelming. Other ways I sabotaged my self-care. You see, I have a tendency to think that I have to be “on” all the time. Unlike the stereotypical cultural image of college students who waste all their time binge-watching netflix and drinking in excess, I felt like I had to be doing something productive all the time. This internal assumption led me to overbook myself. (which is actually more stereotypical of the college students I know, but whatever, society just wants to think millennials are awful.)

Not only was I a full-time student, working part-time, and holding a leadership position of a service student organization, but I was also giving my time to multiple other causes and organizations that I cared about, trying to socialize with my friends when possible so they wouldn’t get mad at me, and dealing with my own emotional distress that I had been repressing for years. All of those commitments left with no time for myself whatsoever. I couldn’t allow myself to do something fun as a way to destress because doing anything that didn’t produce tangible achievements was so hard for me.

With my senior year coming up (and now arrived), I felt that I needed to make some changes. For me, being a senior ment that I not only had to do all of the normal class work, but I also had to write a 50+ page honors thesis and apply for grad schools. There was just no way I could get that stuff done, or at least done well, if I kept up my current load of responsibilities. After so much thought and discussion with my counselor, I decided not to be a leader in Dance Marathon, which I felt SO guilty about. I basically thought that I was trash for not spending my time working to raise money for kids with cancer (that’s what the org does). I had to tell myself that I have my whole life to make a difference in the world, but if I didn’t end up with a thesis I was happy with or put my best effort into my grad school applications, I would always regret it. So I didn’t apply for leadership positions. Instead, I decided to put myself first.

I also quit my job. I’ve worked since I was sixteen, so it feels weird to intentionally not have a job. Thankfully all of that working has put me in a position where I can take a year off from working without it being a huge financial stressor. Nonetheless, I still feel guilty about dipping into my savings in this way, but I just wanted the extra time and increased flexibility of not having a job right now. I just needed to focus on my next steps, not on juggling my schedule.

Anyways, the whole point of this rambling is that even though the decision to do less this year was so difficult,  I’m so happy I cut back on my commitments. I actually have time to do all of my homework, see my friends, and even read for fun. I am consistently happier than anytime in my life that I can remember.  I’m realizing how much extra stuff I did and committed myself to because I thought just being me wasn’t enough. I always felt that I wasn’t special unless I did all this extra stuff. But boy oh boy, doing less, but doing it better sure does feel good. I’m just so much happier when I actually take the time to take care of myself and put my needs above my ridiculously distorted image of what I should be. I don’t have to DO. Instead, I can just BE. And for the first time, that’s good enough for me.

Posted in Miscellaneous Musings

Dia & Co Review: Box #1

I officially got my first style box from Dia & Co. I was so excited for it. They were way faster than I expected, which would have been great if I wasn’t in the process of moving right now. I ordered in on Sunday night and it was on my front porch Thursday morning. The problem was that I wasn’t living at my house at the time. I’m still in my apartment until mid-next week. I would have shipped it to my apartment had I realized how fast it would arrive. Next time that won’t be a problem.

Anyways, once I finally got my box via my mom overnighting it to me, I was super excited to open it. Here’s a look at what I got. Please excuse the crappiness of the photos. I’m home alone in the midst of moving and had to improvise. Continue reading “Dia & Co Review: Box #1”

Posted in Miscellaneous Musings

Trying a Style Subscription Box

I have been in a style rut. Since my weight gain, many of my clothes don’t fit well anymore. As I’m between straight sizes and plus size, too old for many of the stores I used to shop at and too young for the other ones around me, I’m just at a loss of what to do. So I decided to try a style box. I went with Dia&Co, which is kinda like stitch fix, but for plus sizes. I’m the smallest size they cater too, but that shouldn’t be a problem. Basically you put in your sizes and tell them about your style. You can add pictures of outfits you like and send notes to your stylist. You only pay for the clothes you keep and if you do indeed keep something, the styling fee helps cover the cost. If it sucks, I’m out $20, but I’m hoping it goes well. I like that this company also lets you just order a box whenever you want instead of always having to get one, which is great for me since I am a college student without a ton of extra money to drop on clothes every month. Now time to refresh my pinterest style board!

Posted in What I'm Reading

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children (Trilogy)

Click image for source.

A mysterious island. An abandoned orphanage. A strange collection of curious photographs.

A horrific family tragedy sets sixteen-year-old Jacob journeying to a remote island off the coast of Wales, where he discovers the crumbling ruins of Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. As Jacob explores its abandoned bedrooms and hallways, it becomes clear that the children were more than just peculiar. They may have been dangerous. They may have been quarantined on a deserted island for good reason. And somehow—impossible though it seems—they may still be alive.

Continue reading “Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children (Trilogy)”